Parenting 201

I'm always on the lookout for how I want to parent. Sometimes I learn things by experience and other times books, people, or talking about situations give me good ideas. I've been reading a great book by Adele Farber (and another author who I can't remember) called something like "How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk". It is really helpful in teaching how to acknowledge your child's feelings, not just push the feelings away or just respond to their words or actions. Joe was a good sport and did the exercises in the book with me so I could practice because it is actually tough to think so differently on the spot!

I never realized that the need for our feelings to be understood is so powerful. The other day (before I read the book), I told X we were going shopping and he got upset and kept saying "no, no, no shopping!" I just figured he didn't really mean "no" and that he'd perk up once we got there but I was wrong. He was mad the whole trip and made shopping really hard. If I had listened and talked about his not wanting to go, he might have calmed down and I might have spared myself the embarrassment of a screaming child in the store or I could have even figured out a better time to go...without him. So today I tried really listening and responding to X's feelings and here's what happened:

#1: We were waiting for an appt. and X was playing with some toys. I was filling out paperwork and assumed he was still playing at the table in front of me until I looked up and saw that he was gone. A second later I saw him with panic on his face, looking for me. I called his name and he burst into loud crying when he saw me. My instinct was to say "You're ok, you're ok" but instead I thought of what I could say about how he was feeling. So I cuddled him and said, "You were scared when you couldn't find mommy." That was it. He nodded and calmed right down. After a little more cuddling, I told him I'd stay in the chair and he could stay with me or play with the toys. He chose me, so a few minutes later we moved to the kids table together so he could play and that was that. A happy child again. :)

#2: I asked X if he wanted a bite of my broccoli and cheese at lunch. He said no, so I put it in my mouth. Not surprisingly, he started yelling "mine! my cheese!" My first thought was "Sorry kiddo, I already put it in my mouth" but instead I offered him more from my plate. He was mad. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!! THAT one!!!!!! (pointing at my mouth). I stopped to think of how to respond to his feelings. "You wanted the broccoli and cheese." He wails loudly, "yeahhhhh". "You wanted to eat it but it went in mommy's tummy, down, down, down." He started laughing at the thought and repeated "Down, down,down." Then I offered him more broccoli from my plate so it could go down, down, down in his tummy. He accepted. Crisis over. :)

#3: X finished his lunch and played with his cars out on the deck after a reminder that he would soon be taking a nap. His response: no nap! I cleaned up the dishes and got on the computer and then he brought a blanket to me and said, "Mommy, nap". I said I wasn't tired and he went and got up on the couch with the blanket and said it again. This time it clicked. I went over and asked him if HE was tired. "Uh-huh." I asked him if he wanted me to take a nap with him. "Uh-huh." A few minutes later he was sound asleep on the couch and I was free to do my own things. :)

I think this is a wonderful way to listen and talk with kids. I can't wait to find out what's next in the book! My favorite part so far is when the authors remind readers that to have a happy family you must permit the airing of a lot of unhappiness. It's such an unusual thought but it makes so much sense! Wish us luck as we move on to Chapter 2!